It's Tuesday and I've got a rant to just go through and I can't even think about being pleasant and welcoming you to my blog...lol okay I know, that's rude but YOU GUYS!!! Every fiber in my body is annoyed and shouty and just wanting to take the world and shake it!!!
This week has been tagged as #FatShamingWeek on Twitter it is actually a popular trending topic. WHAT?! When did this become an acceptable topic or form of oppression in social media? CYBER BULLY MUCH?! Who in their right minds would even allow this to go on?
Most of you know, that I try to keep things under my hat about personal issues I've gone through that might not be the most acceptable topics to bring up in mixed company or public in general. I don't always feel the need to go on the soap box and spill the beans about topics like anorexia because I don't always want to be judged or looked at with those "oh poor you" eyes. Judgement, it's a b.
But, I can't sit idly by and NOT say anything when this has become more and more rampant and people think that they can get away with sitting behind a computer and anonymously commenting and posting pictures of people in a derogatory fashion!
So here goes, I have always been "bigger" some would say fat, but honestly I'm 5'10, and I'm the smallest/shortest person in my family. I have a large frame and I have come to accept that...now. Within the last year, as I posted in my last Talk Tuesday, I was diagnosed with hormonal imbalances (when they tested I basically had none) and a thyroid disease, and told that these things had been going on since puberty. PUBERTY!!! I hit puberty in 4th grade...can you believe that?! And honestly it shows, 4th grade is when I started to gain a lot of weight, before that I was just another cute kid the same size as my friends. But I didn't let it effect me too much, were there bullies who tortured me? Yes of course, I used to dread walking to school and dealing with one kid in particular who would throw insults my way as we waited to be let onto the school grounds. The lucky thing is in elementary school I was still quite outgoing and made friends easily, that and I had older siblings who kind of helped me through, protected me, and in 5th grade I was eligible to go to a pull out school for highly intelligent kids where I was around people who were more interested in what you could program into a computer and how to fold intricate notes then what you wore and how you looked.
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| 5th grade...yuuupp |
Unfortunately, that school dumped me right back into the local junior high school in 7th grade. So not only was I larger but I was coming back after being at a completely different school for two years. Yea, I did not look forward to that first day of school. Again, luckily for me I had my older sister who was and is only 13 months older, she would be my saving grace for most of my schooling from that point on. She helped me to meet new people and kept the terrorizing to a minimum. Her nickname was Xena and that girl was a giant! (In a good way) I am thankful for her because unfortunately the legacy for sports by my two older siblings made it even more difficult when the coaches realized I just wanted to do art and plan dances. Ugh, thinking about all that still makes me sick to my stomach. I could never live up to the hype of my sister in school, she was tall and beautiful and had records in shotputting. Guys would see us in pictures together and ask if she was available (guys I liked by the way) and I just wanted to melt into the walls most of the time. I call that point of my life the ugly duckling syndrome. So, I know where am I going with all this? Sometimes the back story takes a little time guys...so just hang in there....
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| Me and My Sister on the left |
Some of you will say, well maybe you weren't active enough or you ate the wrong foods, but I was active and my parents were adamant about junk food and tv watching. They kept a tight control on all that, we didn't have pop or juices and we were constantly doing sports or dance or whatever. That's my only public service announcement as I move into what will be the basis of my story...high school the summer before my junior year...
Okay so I hated high school, again, I got there and didn't fit in, so I finally had had enough. At some point I got hooked up with some people who were all about encouraging "thinspiration" I'm sorry but that word is still linked for me with anorexia...and that's where I'm jumping into it. I was encouraged with these people to really get on the anorexia train, we had games to see who could eat the least in a day, we challenged ourselves to go to the gym for HOURS every day I think at one point during that summer I was at the YMCA for 6 hours a day. Then the big kicker happened when I learned about diet pills (this was before phen phen was banned from the USA) and started rampantly using and abusing them along with laxatives (yep I never do anything lightly). Did I lose weight? Sure...and I went back to high school in my junior year the skinniest I've ever been in my life. Do you want to know what size that was a 10! And that's still considered plus size!!!! AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Are you starting to predict where this is going?
Did I get more attention, yes I did, but honestly I was the most miserable person EVER. AND did it get me what I really wanted lasting relationships with people and a partner who cared about me? Nope. It surely didn't. Want to know what it got me? CRAZY and to top it off I did irreversible and irrevocable damage to my body. That year I put myself in the hospital multiple times, I had at one point a heart palpitation situation and the muscles in my chest will never really be healed and feel normal again. Ever since that junior year they are tender and painful to the touch. At a size 10 my doctor told me that if I lost anymore weight he would have to admit me into the hospital that's where I bordered. And my sick brain at the time was pretty excited that I had gotten there, because after years of torment I thought I'd finally made it. Was I living a rewarding life though? No...everything I thought about revolved around food and those pills and working out, I couldn't handle much more and the rest of my life suffered for it. I had a friend look back at the pictures of me at that time, and her first comment was "You look like Halloween" I'm including those pictures just to really hit home for you...
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| Me at my skinniest, rocking crazy dark circles |
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| The picture the "halloween" comment was made about |
She also said, you look immensely unhappy, and you guys I totally was. I'm not going to lie, were there other things going on in my life that contributed to my unhappiness? Definitely, there were family issues happening, but overall this was the biggest contributor to my mental status and would eventually lead me to getting pulled out of high school early because of it. Did I mention I had a rough teenage years? Lol
So where do we go from here? I'm going to fast forward through my college years and bring you back up to 2 years ago when I was at my heaviest. I was a size 20 and had been on bed rest for about a year at that point. I was taking 13 different prescriptions for pain and muscle spasm. These medications made it impossible for me to lose weight, they slowed down my entire body. On top of that, I was told by all the doctor's I had been seeing at that time that until I finished my physical therapy (which I am still doing) that I shouldn't even attempt to work out as it would only aggravate my condition. I didn't even have a chance you guys!!! Although I'm not entirely pleased at what I look like in these photos, I'm going to include them because I think it's necessary.
Here's the thing, I'm not saying that having curves is better then being a size 2, I'm saying that you have to know what works for your body type and embrace it. I personally know I'm not ever going to be a size 2 until I'm pretty much decayed in the ground. We as "bigger" or "fat" people need to start becoming unapologetic about who we are and what we have to say. It's time for someone to say that #fatshaming is no longer an acceptable way of oppression and its no longer a topic of conversation. I am no longer okay with giving up your power because you are afraid someone is going to write you off for being FAT that is absolutely insane!
As some of you know, people don't know how to not talk to me or make sometimes weirdly inappropriate comments. It's been happening since I was 16, I'm approachable, recently I was with a friend shopping and the check out lady said to me, man, I'm so proud of you!! A bigger lady looking good and fabulous, it's such an inspiration! I politely and awkwardly said "thanks" and we walked out. At the car my friend asked me if I was offended, and all I had to say was "eh, it happens all the time, I mean, it's somewhat discouraging because I'm really not that "large" anymore I'm just curvy I got tons of "junk in the trunk" but I do wear large's and mediums which isn't anything crazy!!" But again, it's just another way for people to say to me, you are pretty but you are still fat. OH WELL honestly I get more attention walking down the streets at the size I am today then I ever did when I was a size 10. Because it's about how we hold ourselves, people are attracted to confidence and a great attitude, and it's also about not allowing someone to discount you because you aren't their idea of "pretty". Today I'm almost back to a size that fits my frame, what were once my "skinny saved clothes" from before the surgery are now loose, but it's all because I got lucky with a great doctor and the medications I'm using are working and keeping everything in check. It's not because I made some crazy health change, it's because I finally figured out what was wrong with me.
Please, please, please, I beg you readers to really redefine what you allow the media to dictate to you. This idea that it's okay to randomly tell people they need to lose weight and get healthy is just ridiculous. For me, it lead to decades of frustration, DECADES...and years spent in counseling trying to redefine how my self-worth was not tied to my appearance and pant size, as well as body-dismorphia which is still a hard thing I have to work on. I still catch myself whining, I look in the mirror at what is "fat" on my stomach but honestly most of it is SCAR TISSUE from my surgery which I will probably never get rid of. So before you judge someone for having a "spare tire" or "beer belly" remember that you don't know everyone's story. Please don't allow your friends to make jokes at the expense of larger people just like you wouldn't allow your friends to make gay or racial slurs around you.
I feel like these two ladies really said it best. Watch, discuss, and circulate. I love you guys just the way you are!!!!
XO
~D
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